The paddock

Prime Minister

King of the North. As of July, the whole island is Greater Manchester.

Former Prime Minister

Two years. One lorry. Thanked for his service.

Leader of the Opposition

Renewal. Delivery pending.

Leader, Reform UK

The farm's most reliable perennial. Flowers every spring, planted or not.

Leader, Liberal Democrats

Still the only party leader who will get in the water on purpose.

Leader, Green Party

Prominence arrived. Favourability left a note.

Chancellor of the Exchequer

Yesterday: tanks. Today: the books. The farm does not believe in specialisation.

Foreign Secretary

From the kitchen to the world. Soft power now includes a sandwich.

Home Secretary

Kept the difficult shed. Continuity is a kind of compliment.

First Secretary of State

First among the rest. The farm has a generous returns policy.

Housing, Communities and Local Government Secretary

Some livestock simply will not stay culled.

Shadow Chancellor

Has located a spending problem. It is in another paddock.

Former Chancellor

The books were balanced. Then the farmer changed.

Leader, SNP

Tends a smaller herd, with a longer argument.

Leader, Plaid Cymru

Four MPs and a nation tired of being a footnote.

Speaker of the House of Commons

Orders the chamber. The chamber has other ideas.

Defence Secretary

Last year: the NHS. This year: the tanks. The farm's favourite career ladder.

Health and Social Care Secretary

From the Home Office to the NHS. The difficult sheds are her speciality.

Education Secretary, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party

Deputy of the party, head of the schools, another Greater Manchester lot number.

Culture Secretary

Culture, media, sport, and Wigan. The farm files this as a full brief.

Work and Pensions Secretary

Survived the rotation. Continuity, in a government that otherwise treats cabinets like seasonal stock.

Business Secretary

Business, science, trade, and another Greater Manchester postcode.

Transport Secretary

In charge of the trains. The farm wishes her a pleasant delay.

Energy Security and Net Zero Secretary

Inherited net zero and the argument about whether it is stupid. The farm has seen this paddock before.

Minister for Women and Equalities, Chair of the Labour Party

Reports to the Prime Minister and chairs the party. Two clipboards, one barn.

Former Deputy Prime Minister

Deputy one month. Backbencher the next. The lorry does not care about rank.

Shadow Foreign Secretary

Once ran the Home Office. Now shadows the world. The farm respects a full range.

Shadow Home Secretary

The Blue Field's answer to the boats. Volume is not the problem.

Shadow Housing Secretary

Back from the backbenches to shadow houses. The farm has missed the dad jokes, slightly.

Shadow Energy Secretary

Shadows net zero from the field that used to run it. The meters remember.

Shadow Education Secretary

Schools, from the opposition benches. The farm files this under 'plenty of marking'.

Deputy Leader, Reform UK

Deputy perennial. Thinks net zero is stupid. The weather has not been copied in.

Reform UK MP, former Tory

Crossed the fence once already. The farm does not expect him to cross back.

Reform UK, formerly Conservative

Sacked by Kemi, walked into the Reform Pen the same day. The farm calls this a same-day transfer.

Deputy Leader, Liberal Democrats

The orchard’s other grown-up. Handles the Treasury brief while Davey handles the water.

Green MP for Bristol Central, former co-leader

Built the meadow, then handed over the megaphone. The farm respects a planned succession.

Green MP for Gorton and Denton

Took a safe Labour seat in a by-election. The Red Barn felt that one.

Intergalactic space warrior, recently of Clacton

Came second in Clacton with twenty-seven percent. The control group is now outpolling half the paddock.

Restore Britain, formerly Reform

Left the Reform Pen and registered his own herd. The right now has a paddock surplus.

Governing herd

In government, and already on its second farmer this parliament.

Official opposition

Would like you to join the renewal. The farm has other plans.

Insurgent herd

Eight MPs. One volume setting. Occasional same-day transfers from the Blue Field.

Official third paddock

Seventy-one MPs and a laminated alternative.

Meadow interest

Five MPs and a climate.

Control group

The control group. Still waiting for the others to catch up.

Heritage stock

Not dead. Just very still.

Left paddock

A paddock of one's own, slightly to the left of the Red Barn.